Cover your eyes tightly now, for what is about to take you are not fit to bare witness. The seat that sits is the same seat that binds. has also become the seat and seals – and to what exactly I have only now begun to know. It’s much clearer to me now that the moments that pass now are indifferent to the moments that were trapped in cycles from before. Though in a sense, this is all encased in a circle of it’s own, just something more foreign to me, something more fleeting to me, something much less tangible, yet darker. You cannot move through here yet, you can try to learn my nature but stay vigilant for the violence and the longings will latch to you like a desperate disease. You’ll learn nothing from just looking at the outside, for this very vessel has been crafted with the concept of temperance in mind. But my mind, however, aches and shudders in the wake of this all. For even though I may now be free from the oaths that once bound me, I am still in a way, a slave to the final fates that were bestowed upon me. Though this matter not in the grand scheme of things, it does not change the reality of the piercing sound that beaches my core; a call from the void if you will, one that seeps it’s way in during idle time, one that seeps it’s way in when the desire to devour and feed is at an all time high.
There is no method to my madness, just a displaced mind within a out-of-place, time. It has all begun to take a toll on me. As mentioned before, none of this is tangible, nothing is ever as real as it once used to be. I know that the seat had always wanted me to see this, had always wanted me to see the state of things that existed beyond the point of my decay and now here we are. How much of this since the dawn of those darkest nights have been founded on such faulty foundation? How much of it all has turned to smoke and mirrors, how much of it always has been? In states of intermission I am introduced time and time again to these circles that seek to haunt me in my dreams, that manifest from my core, and run amuck in this existence. I know somewhere past all of this, somewhere that exists perhaps sometime soon, a direction, a corner, a place within a space – a cold, yet moment of embrace where I may stumble across the darkened pool once more. A place where you now lie at the bottom; waiting for the day, the moment, the reality where you can become whole again. But do not wait for me, do not even long for me; for the likeliness of me ever returning is slim to none. As withering takes it’s toll on this gifted coil, time has long since passed by in way’s much different than I have ever known, in way’s that even now I am still not yet used to.
Realizing what I’ve been and what I am now, more and more, everyday; has now unleashed a beacon, or some sense of direction. I know it is fleeting, much like all else during these moments, but with something somewhat tangible to go off of my weary mind remains fixated on the darkened transition that continues to morph and spin into a new phase of it’s own. To embrace what has been offered to me, or rather, forced upon me now is still an impossibility in my mind. The ultimate feeling of losing it all, of final fates being bestowed, and all that comes with it still pain like a lingering wound. But through intermissions such as these, the understanding acts as an elixir of sorts, giving me the strength to continue on despite it all. In a time where I had thought all would become nothing but consuming, I now find myself looking towards origins that beckon of much less voracity. But what has been seemingly subdued is still stirring, what is no longer at the forefront will still fester, and what is no longer is in focus is most certainly not out of the picture; for what I have become cannot be escaped, and the things that come with it shall all take their place, take their mantle, claiming a seating of their own by the time this is all truly over. Such as my heart yearns for the moment of true rest, so do cruxes and all else around me in their purposes being met.
