The night has always been my stronghold, it has been where everything and nothing has happened, a space of remembrance of sorts, a place of vast and infinite movement, a time of cunning and confusion, a state of reality that breeds a much different experience than any morning I have ever come to know. It is where it all begun to take place, it is where it all was swallowed whole, and it is where I resume now – 10 years after departures were made that would eventually lead to exiles and so much more that would seek to haunt me till this very day. But haunt, in and of itself is a strange word, perhaps an unfitting word for this moment in time For though these things seek to haunt me like never before, this fear I had once felt in light of their presence has long since been gone, the eeriness and stillness in the air that they had brought has long since been disturbed – shaken by the very twisting, tethering, and unraveling of this reality itself – now being tossed and splintered into pockets of shadows that now cast themselves throughout these darkest nights.
I can still remember all that had lead up to those moments; the visions of the cold and empty platforms within barren and eerie stations, fragile moments in time where your hands met mine, dwindling feeling of connection and hope – as reality swept away all that I once held dear. The exile to follow would be one crafted from fear, it came with shackles, walls and chains of it’s own – binding me in stasis that has kept me in it’s reverberations of eons – even now, as the last bit of fear fleets me I can feel it. Because that stasis that I once knew, that stasis that was once bound to me, is never far off. It is only mere decisions away, and even shorter moments away in time. And so it is in knowing this that I push onwards, it is in knowing this that I must also know that my decision must be made, and must ultimately be sealed. For even though these departures and exiles that I speak of may not exist in the same way as before, today – in a way they still live on somewhere, perhaps from within? Perhaps intertwined within the webs of some strange and twisted destiny itself? Or perhaps they are of the nature of the very final fates that are now to come to fruition. For though the days of those departures and exiles have long since passed; I cannot help but avoid the truth that is I am perpetually leaving, and that I am yet to belong, I am yet to be welcomed, truly – I am yet to be let in.
It is in all of this remembrance and all of this knowing that my place in this moment becomes less of an obligation, and more of a desire. To claim what I desire as mine, or to fade in the process. Because in the unraveling of a broken reality, oblivion is never too far from the path that we seek and the treasure that is to follow. For whilst these darkest nights shall soon leave room towards the birth of a new sun that shall seek to hunt me, it is in this moment that I shall accept to be the hunted, for this dark that I’ve come to know, this dark that I’ve come to wield – has now begun to desire of it’s own. A desire that has perhaps been birthed or inspired by the movement of the final fates themselves. It is in this moment, where cold settles in and memories begin to shift that I know truly, that things will never be the same again. The feeling begins to shift in my mind, in my stomach, sweeping me entirely – like a tidal wave. A nothingness that knows no still. It has begun to alter me already, in ways I could never imagine. For as the dark looks on from the vast spaces of this collapsing reality, it knows it will never be the same again, for as an evolution like no other is now to be beheld, I now too, must leave what I’ve known of this form, what I’ve known from this state – in the hands of this nothingness that binds. And as I close my eyes and relive those moments on cold and empty platforms within barren and lonely stations, during twilights that were so violently beautiful in their own way, where hands met for a final time; I know now too, that I must never be the same again.
