Yet another Summer has passed us by, another moment in time that gave us an opportunity to mend, an opportunity to meet the demons head on – swirling within our heads. But time, unlike how it was eras before, passed ever-so-quickly now; it too is fleeting and in a blink of an eye. The death of this season forces upon me the ever impending sense of mortality that once gripped so tightly to me. But now, walking a different path than from then, the fear of what lies at the end and the impulsive sense of evasion of from awaits is no longer present – for in this time, after final fates have been bestowed, I am still alive.
I have been blessed to feel the feeling once again of the cold that seeps through these old window seals throughout odd and ungodly hours, hours that were once held so sacred, hours that bring me back to lines where everything felt whole. The desire to be someone else, not present, the longing to make ends meet not ended, the inescapable feeling of wanting to escape, unfathomable; a time where dare I say, I was enough, but didn’t even realize it. But now, I feel I gone further than I have ever been, longed much longer than I ever have, escaped absolutely nothing as final fates still caught up to me, and became something I never truly intended to be, but after all was said and done – I’m still alive.
Now yours is a story still left untold to many, yours is a path in it’s extend, yours is still a book with many empty pages waiting to be filled. The betrayal of those around you, all nothing but ripples from you becoming your best self and others still stuck behind – unable to move forward. And I can still see you in my dreams, tethering yourself up from different lines, and speaking to me words that I had always feared you’d speak. And though they sting like needles, and pierce like bullets through my mind – I’m still alive.
I’ve come so far from summers spent in vast and seemingly infinite plains, come so far since the moments where deeper sleeps made their way in, come so far since longings and exiles – and now here we are, in an empty space exceeding what I thought to be the end. But perhaps there’s more to this crescendo that I have yet to learn of, perhaps there’s more to this celebration we call life, but perhaps I’ll never know? I’ve long since laid down my weapons in the middle of a war lost, whisked away by my very own failures and shortcomings. My all now remains strapped to the seat, experiencing every ounce I can before I drown in the noise of it all, before I join the remains of what’s been lost to the ages. Some may say I’ve lost my way, some may say I am now incapable of the love I once sought, and at least as of now, I guess that’s okay – for even despite those things I’m gifted to view the rise of yet another dying sun, a gaze that fuels the every evolution that has and can happen within me. Feeling back on moments lost, time to me now is much more sacred that it has ever been, and it’s unlikely that it will ever be this sacred again. For what nourishes me today, will not nourish me tomorrow, and same goes for what is revered in my shambled and manic mind, but I suppose it hardly matters, for despite it all – I’m alive.
