I’m riding slow as I drift down lanes that will inevitable lead me towards the end of this tattered line, the momentum of my movements still got me caught up in secrets and spells that have long since been spilled and spent; and smoke that now shrouds me like a veil, keeping me hidden in layers from the distractions and the cycles that seek to pull me back down to there reality. I’ve gone so far off the beaten path that the very concept of a wrong way has now begun to become foreign to me. But as these darkest nights settle in even more securely, even more-so than I have truly ever known, I’m left wondering what will be left once the specs of light which bring a shimmer to these blackened roads, begin to sink low beneath the foundation of this crumbling reality, or what will follow once the cold settles in and these very tires that keep me drifting towards this epilogue lose their tread and traction – sending my spiraling towards a fate, a world, unknown.
Thoughts like these crawl and creep up within my weary yet daydreaming mind, and they continue to flood inwards the thicker each and every night grows. But the complacency of it all, the fears that flee yet seek to bound, are all that I need to know of as I pick up the speed – no longer baring weight towards the things that once kept me bound, no longer falling victim to the rumblings and unsettling’s that stir within my core, for holding back on this ever-lingering darkspeed has made my body tired, failing, weakening as it begins to give way to this life, impatient and preparing to transition to the next. It is jarring in a sense, the thought of leaving this all behind in the dark, and cruel in a sense these fruitions of final fates have planned for nothing else to be true in all of this. But my mind gives way to all of this as I see the ray cast from my headlights light a path to different lanes, liberating my heart with each and every sharp turn, providing me with even an ample sense of change – keeping my mind, body, and soul from burning out entirely.
What hurts the most in all of this is the thought that when the time comes I will choose to not leave, to fall into the hands of fates fruitions and accept my place; infinitely happy, lonely – trapped in the echoes forever of these darkest nights still daydreaming. For the only thing remaining for me to even believe in is the moment in time where my creation, my reality, comes to fruition – to be no longer trapped, barred in chains by the lofty apparitions and fleeting moments in these daydreams, devouring endless poisons and bigger pills till I’m drowsy and dizzy just to stay afloat; so in the meantime I keep my soul occupied, searching and wandering with each and every moment I close my eyes whilst I speed by memories and dwell on whether or not such fleeting moments miss me as much as I miss them.
This is how it is all turning out this time around. For time itself can no longer be manipulated in the way it once had following the exile; you can believe it or not believe it but these are the dark days coming into full force like I’ve never known them before. A new type of darkness so violent in their movements that I don’t even want to try and ride away from them. For in the black is where I have always belong, but one of the final fears that remain is that if I choose to stay in these shadows I will never become one with what this very darkness marches towards, if I choose to stay I’ll never break free from the cycles that have long since been broken but will inevitably be birthed in a new ways, once more, or that if I choose to stay, I’ll never find the meaning that my soul has always so desperately desired.
